Child's Play
by A.Baroness
Summary: It's Alice's birthday and Roz needs some help. Frasier/Roz. One-shot.


_Written for smackalicious who prompted me with "I think you missed your calling" on tumblr._

* * *

This is not how Roz imagined it.

Alice begged her repeatedly, for weeks, to spend her birthday in this new, spectacular indoor playground. So Roz spent a good amount of time researching the facility and coming to the conclusion that it was in fact a wonderful idea. There was a birthday special that included a cake and entertainment for the children. No cleaning the living room, Roz marveled. She called in and the date was set. Never before had she felt so calm before her daughter's birthday.

Until the day actually happens.

Six children, including Alice, run around screaming. Cake is being thrown and other parents stare at her, silently judging, and taking their offspring elsewhere. Roz tries to calm down Alice, who is the leader of the pack. Her daughter, wearing a tiny, pink crown, nods solemnly. She summons her friends and tells them something. They all nod. Except that children have the attention span of a squirrel; one jump on the big trampoline conveniently called "Troubleshooter" and they're all back to their childish squealing.

"Miss?" Roz turns and stares into the face of a female employee wearing a pink shirt telling Roz that she is 'always here when you need help'.

"Are you here all alone with these children?" She doesn't specify who 'these' children are, but Roz sees Alice waving at her, and she can't think of a clever comeback at the moment anyway. So she nods.

"Uhm, do you need any… help? I know children can be a lot," she giggles and Roz decides she has no idea how children can be; she is barely out of childhood herself, "We're happy to send over a trained kindergarten teacher for a small additional charge."

"Oh, that's nice," Roz begins and sees the grin spread out on the girl's face, "but my husband will be here soon and he'll be all the help I need."

"Oh, of course. Of course. If you need anything, don't be afraid to ask." Her pink complexion turns darker, almost tomato red, and with a small, awkward nod she finally runs off again. Leaving Roz cursing to herself. Of course there's no husband. Or even boyfriend. She should have said friend. A friend is coming to help! For a moment she considers going over to the employee, who is watching her closely now, and this day is turning out bad enough. She doesn't need a strange woman (who is so much younger than her) to feel sorry for her. No. All Roz has to do is come up with a plan. It's not like she doesn't know men, after all. None of them are really husband material. And if she called any of them and asked them to pose as one… there is no way this could work. There's only person she can think of.

"Pick up the phone, Frasier." Roz mumbles as she listens to the dial tone. Finally, when she's just about ready to smash her cell phone against one of the colorful, most likely soft, walls, he picks up.

"Yes, hello."

"Frasier, I need your help."

"Who is this? Hello?"

"It's Roz." She rolls her eyes. After working together for so long, you'd think he recognized her voice.

"Oh hello, Roz. How can I help you?"

"I need you to come to Alice's birthday party and pretend to be my husband." There's a moment of silence and Roz wonders if maybe she should have phrased it differently. Or maybe eased into it. The employee is staring at her, though, and the children are jumping around high on sugar. Roz doesn't have the time for long-winded explanations.

"Are you drunk, Roz? Where are you?"

"I'm at Alice's party and no, I'm not drunk," she wishes she was, though, "and I need your help. These children are monsters."

"One of them is your child, Roz."

"Not today she's not. She's all high on sugar and thinks she's some kind of princess. I need your help, Frasier. Can you please stop being an idiot and get over here?"

"What if I have plans?"

"Oh, but I know you don't."

"How would you know that?"

"Frasier, you TOLD me yesterday. You kept going on about how you don't have any plans for today and how Niles never has any time for you anymore now that he and Daphne are together. So get your ass over here."

"Ask me nicely." Roz hears the smile in his voice and she regrets calling him. She really, really does.

"Frasier…"

"You know, I might not have had plans yesterday when-"

"Frasier, could you PLEASE come over here and help me out? Please?"

"Of course, Roz," he chuckles, "I'll be there soon."

When Frasier finally arrives, Roz is consoling one of the children, crying loudly, and with bits and pieces of cake everywhere on the tiny body.

"Do you need any help?" He asks immediately crouching down to the crying girl. Seeing him, she only cries harder.

"Can you hand me another napkin?" Frasier picks up two from the table, dabs them with water, and returns to Roz' side. He hands her one and together they help clean the girl, whose tears subside. She gets fidgety, ready to rejoin her friends.

"Why don't you sit down a moment, Carol?" Roz asks the girl, who is twitching like a seal now.

"No, wanna play." Roz, who has puke all over her own clothes and probably on her hands, is not ready to fight a little girl and nods. The girl runs off, squealing, and Roz hopes she won't throw up again. Especially on one of the other children.

"I see why you need my help." Frasier stares at her breasts, she thinks, only to remember that that's where Carol got sick over her. Of course. Without a word, Frasier picks up another few napkins and the water bottle. He hands both to Roz who mouths a thanks. She tries to get it all off, but a soft brown stain remains on her blouse.

"This is the worst birthday ever, Frasier."

"Alice seems to be having fun."

"I've already been told that the kids are too loud. They're too loud, Frasier. This is a place designed for children and I've been told to control them."

"They don't seem out of control."

"They're probably tired now." Roz sighs. Ever since Frasier has walked in, the kids have visibly calmed down. They're still jumping around; looking like tiny bouncy balls in the distance. They're no longer screaming, yelling or fighting. They're just normal children.

"Thank you for coming, though. They basically told me I needed a kindergarten teacher by my side. I said you were coming. I'm sorry." Roz feels exhaustion run through her, tiring her out. She'll never set foot into this facility again. Ever.

"Mommy, we're hungry." Alice hops over, her friends in tow. "Frasier!" As soon as the little girl sees him, she throws herself into his arms. He catches her easily enough and hugs her.

"Happy Birthday, little one."

"Did you bring food? We're all hungry." Alice informs him.

"Hm, I think they have food here." He turns to Roz and she nods. "We'll just tell the nice ladies over there that you guys are ready for dinner."

"They're not so nice ladies." Alice whispers to him as if it were a secret. Frasier pretends to be shocked, entertaining the children, who all giggle happily. Roz uses the moment to go over to the help desk and order the food. She and Alice picked chicken nuggets and Roz can only hope this won't end in some food fight.

With Frasier at the table, the children are the most well-behaved little monsters Roz has ever seen. He tells them this and that story, makes funny noises and once even breaks into song. The girls, delighted, clap along and giggle.

After dinner, Frasier lets the girls show him around the playground and even lets them talk him into going down the slide. Roz watches them, amazed mostly, and even dares to look at the employee. She, too, seems flabbergasted, but when she catches Roz's gaze, she smiles at her. Finally, after an eternity, the children are picked up one by one.

"I had such a good time." Little Carol waves goodbye and Roz just stands there. Alice takes her hand; it's so tiny, warm and mostly sticky. Making her daughter happy, maybe this has all been worth it after all.

"Ready to go home?" Frasier asks Alice, who nods up at him. She takes his hand, too, and together they leave.

"I hope you had a fun time!" Roz fakes a smile and walks faster. Outside, she takes a deep breath. No more sweetness mixed with the faint smell of vomit and other unmentionable things. Just air. Roz is surprised to see that the sun is still shining; to realize that it's still early in the day. Alice sways with exhaustion and Frasier picks her up.

"Where's your car?" He asks, his voice soft. Roz can't answer; Frasier and Alice standing there, in the sunlight, like a picture perfect moment in a life she isn't leading.

"Roz?"

"Oh right. Follow me." They make their way over to the car in silence. All around them are children, some of them running, some clutching their parents' hands, unsure of what to expect inside. Roz is no longer sure what to expect either. This is not how she imagined any of it.

"Here we are." Roz says loudly when they get to her car. She opens it and Frasier puts a sleeping Alice inside. Her crown tips sideways and he adjusts it with a gentle smile on his face. Has he always been like this? Roz wonders.

"Do you need me for anything else or can I go and enjoy my Saturday?" Oh yes, that's the Frasier she knows.

"Go ahead. I can deal with my own kid." She replies defensively and immediately regrets it. He has been a great help today. She watches as his hands dive into his coat pocket, obviously searching for his own car keys.

"Hey, I think you missed your calling," Roz blurts before he can say goodbye and leave her there alone. He raises his eyebrows in confusion, "you know, with the children." It just doesn't get better. She's never had problems talking to Frasier. Until now.

"What are you talking about?"

"You could have been a kindergarten teacher," she goes on, "You're so good with children."

"Are you making fun of me?"

"No! Geez, I'm trying to say thank you for today."

"You're not doing a very good job of it."

"Well, thanks."

"You're welcome." He basically bows his head and Roz rolls her eyes.

"I meant for coming to help out."

"Again, you're welcome. Just don't ever call me a kindergarten teacher again." His smile betrays him, though, and Roz can't help and smile back.

"I hope your Saturday isn't completely ruined."

"Oh, don't worry. I'll think of something to salvage it." Again, his eyes dib lower and Roz remembers her blouse.

"I better get home, shower, burn these clothes and contemplate what a bad mother I am."

"You're not a bad mother, Roz. Children can be a lot."

"That's what that girl said." She mumbles.

"What girl?"

"The one who told me I couldn't handle it."

"You did handle it."

"No, I called you."

"You asked for help, but you handled it."

"Thank you, Frasier. Honestly, I mean it. If you ever need a favor…" Roz is going to regret it, she knows, but she doesn't stop herself. Frasier offers her a genuine smile and a nod.

"I won't forget." He winks at her and it might be the weirdest thing Roz has seen him do.

"All right, you better leave now. Go and enjoy your Saturday! Go!"

"See you Monday, Roz."

"Yeah." She watches Frasier walk away, completely frozen to her spot.

"Ewww, mom look, that lady has puke on her boobs!" A kid yells before it's dragged along, the mother blushing and hurrying along. Roz sighs. What a day. Oh, what a day.


End file.
